Missing my brother

So today I heard a Def Leppard song that really took me back January 1991. We were driving to Rockford, Illinois although I am not sure why. As we were driving, an announcement came on the radio that Steve Clark from the band died of an overdose. My brother instantly started crying. I could see the true love he had for this band and that deeply affected me. Now whenever I hear Hysteria...I think of my brother and almost start to cry. The energy of his pain is still imprinted within my mind. To this day I still love Def Leppard!

Refection and ranting

I am not much different from many other individuals. I go to work, eat, watch TV, sleep and then repeat. I am not unemployed anymore, but damn life is sucking more than ever. Work is way too busy for one person to handle and I can't say that I am doing an amazing job keeping up with all the work. I hate it. I hate getting up in the mornings to face my miserable day. I am not who I envisioned myself to be. I dreamed about having a nice home, a faithful husband, and 2 beautiful kids. I wish my parents would have told me more about life. They literally taught me nothing about life. I was just left to figure it out for myself. I really felt that I wasted a lot of time. I always wanted to be a dancer and no one helped me accomplish that when I was young. Sure there are a lot of people who also have a similar or worse situation, but as a parent myself there are no excuses for anyone. You should love and teach your children everything you know about life. Sure they might not follow what you taught them, but at least you put in the effort to teach them.

Happy Hour saved my life!

Happy hour saved life my life. I had a bad day at work today, but thank god I have a friend named Serpa that made my day all better and took me out to happy hour. He has a way being so helpful and such a good friend. I don't want to ruin that. Sometimes when I drink I think I get very close to messing things up. I get so flirty when I drink and I noticed that sometimes guys stop hanging out with me when I get too drunk. I am not mean or anything but for some reason this always happens to me. I have an interest in someone at work, but he is taken and obessed with texting her. I have to say that I am a bit jealous and just ready to meet that English gentleman of my dreams. He is from the UK and oh so gorgeous in my book. I get so hot just listening to him speak. God is seriously trying to torture me or something. Everything that I want is taken. It gets so difficut when you get older. Everyone is either married or taken. Makes me feel so sad and lonely. My selection is so limited. The sad news is that I am already in a relationship that I want out of so desperately. Convenience is what keeps me around. I never remember it being so difficult to find someone when I was younger. There is 2 guys that are interested in me, but so not my type. Too clingy or too boring is basically what's wrong with them. Plus, I just want a gorgeuos, nice man from the UK....so there's my problem....my target is to focused.

Depression and Unemployment

There was a time when I felt on top of the world or at least on top of my neighborhood. I had a great paying job that kept me busy, but not so busy that I never made it home. I typically worked 40 hours or less. Life was pretty good, but now I am a product of unemployment now. My self esteem has dropped so much that I find myself sleeping in on a daily basis until 12pm. I am desperate to get a hold of this problem. I know I am not alone in this mess, but that doesn't stop me from getting depressed. I really want to change my life and get a new profession, a new boyfriend, and to have a new baby asap. Let's face it...I'm getting older now and almost pushing 40. I don't want to waste my life away with a corporate job or a good for nothing boyfriend. Thank God I am not married, but damn I wasted a lot of years on him. Despite my issues...I still hope that there are others out there that can come out of their depression and not suffer drastically.

Jamie Foxx & Black Men

Jamie Foxx was on Tyra today and I must say he is a fun guy. So talented and confident, BUT Playa no doubt. Over the years I have dated black men and there's a saying that "once you go black...you don't go back". I am hear to tell you that it is a myth. I have been in a relationship with a dorky, seemingly trust worthy man for 13 years now and while is personality and exterior could have you convinced that he is trustworthy....he has proven NOT to be. I am so done with black men in general and even though Jamie Foxx is attractive in his special way.....you can not trust him or any black men in general. I know that this view will cause a lot of heated feelings among some, but when I thought I met the man of my dreams....well now that is gone. I think their testosterone controls their life and I feel sorry for them. While they are typically fun to be around...they are not commitment worthy. One could say this about most men, but prove to me that there is a trustworthy black man somewhere out there. I've never met him. Either way, I am done with them. A black man can't give me the blue-eyed, flowing hair child that I desire at this point of my life.

Why do we judge and cause eachother so much pain?

Why do people care to or focus too much on controlling or changing people. I am a straight female and I could care less what other people choose as their mate (transgender, bi-sexual, gay, or whatever). Why must we force them into something that they are not. Prop 8 shoud have been illegal because it was discrimination no matter how you twist it. Yes, I go to church but some people take religion to another level and make it a personal issue. I have a mind of my own and when something doesn't make sense...I naturally question it. I am not disrespecting religion at all...I am just using common sense. There are more important issues in the world that DIRECTLY affect us and those issues need to be the actual focus. I rather have more people around that are happy being who they are.

Inspired by Judge Judy

Saw Judge Judy on Shatner's Raw Nerve the other day...and wow I am so glad I did. Aside from the fact that Shatner has a bad habit of cutting people off mid-sentence and asking rude questions...I really felt that I got a a renewed sense of confidence listening to Judge Judy. She exudes a rough exterior, but like all women we want the support of a strong man. Her first husband did not meet her expectations and I got a sense that her next husband did not meet those expectations either, but as she grew older she realized that they will probably never be her match. She is content because her current husband and her have the same sense of humor. I too feel that I am a strong woman and have always had to "carry the load" when it came to finances or to get anything accomplished. I am with a man that wants very little in life and is content with just driving his motorcycle around while I taxi our child around and pay the bills on time. I have always made more money, but he chooses to take the back seat and just make enough money to get by. Everything we accomplished is because I made it happen. He's passive about contributing goals or direction to our family. It's true that women in charge have a tendency to choose men who take direction, but how can we have the best of both worlds? Judge Judy is satisfied having what she has with her husband, but acceptance may have come easier for her since she has already created her own financial freedom. Financial freedom is a woman's nest...we need it to feel safe and confident. So many men do not understand this? Men may be more or less inspired if sex was more frequent, but women are emotional creators...if we feel our home is on shaky ground then we are less and less interested in sex. This is why love is such a vicious cycle.